Understanding the Differences Between Normal and Obsessional Worry

Written By Erin Davis

 Mid-December can be challenging if you're dealing with relationship anxiety or relationship OCD. With the added pressure of holiday cheer and gift-giving, it can feel overwhelming. In this episode, we explore what's normal versus obsessional in relationship concerns, provide behind-the-scenes tips, and offer a quiz to help you determine if your concerns are reasonable. 

Learn how to differentiate between typical relationship doubts and obsessional worries and find strategies to overcome them. We also discuss a study highlighting the higher stress and depression levels in those with relationship OCD and introduce a 12-week program to help build true fulfillment in your relationship. Tune in next week for a discussion on self-worth and mindset as we head into the new year.

00:00 Introduction and Holiday Stress

02:06 Understanding Relationship OCD

02:45 Quiz and Self-Assessment

03:26 Research Insights on Relationship OCD

06:12 Typical vs. Obsessional Relationship Worries

07:06 Information Seekers vs. Reassurance Seekers

10:01 Examples and Scenarios

19:35 Conclusion and Next Steps

  • [00:00:00] [00:01:00] 

     All right. So it's mid December. You've gotten through the Thanksgiving holiday and now we've got Christmas coming up. And all the lights, all the fun things, while it can feel very festive, if you're struggling with relationship anxiety and relationship OCD, it can feel very overwhelming because Christmas is a time of year where it's like there's so much pressure from being real about presents and being cheerful.

    And that's really, really hard when you're struggling with relationship OCD.


    [00:02:00] 

     So, in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about what's normal versus

    what is obsessional when it comes to relationship concerns. Because I totally get it, you're probably going on Reddit or Quora and looking for relationship advice. Maybe you've Googled relationship tips. Or maybe you've taken it as far as relationship counseling. Well, I'm here today to give you some behind the scenes information as well as a couple of tips to get you started in untangling from that relationship OCD worry.

    And if you'd like to Want to go ahead and get a jumpstart. And if you're curious about, do I have relationship OCD or are my concerns reasonable? I've got a quiz for you. My quiz is located on my homepage, but I'm going to go ahead and drop a quick link down in the show notes for you 


    [00:03:00] so you can grab that quiz right away and start to get those results. Because as you work through the 10 questions, which I'm With these questions should only take you less than a few minutes. It will start leading you down the path of like, Oh, I do do that or no, not so much. So that can give you a really big clue on how you're doing as far as your relationship, anxiety worries. There was a study done that was published in the National Library of Medicine and I believe it was done by the Frontiers in Psychiatry where they were talking about how relationship OCD needs its own set of research, relationship OCD can take on a whole new shape and form that's different from your typical OCD. Now OCD, as if it wasn't hard enough, in this study is talking about how folks with relationship OCD tend to score 


    [00:04:00] higher with distress and with depression. So yikes, in that if you are struggling with Relationship OCD, know that I've got a 12 week program called Obsess Less, Love More, Overcoming Relationship Anxiety. Because I want to be here for you and build a community around you where you all will be helping each other and helping yourself not get hooked into these relationship worries and start to find true fulfillment in your relationship. with your romantic partner. In the conclusion of that research study it was saying that people with relationship OCD have more disabling symptoms and are very focused on their relationship related beliefs which makes sense because that's their primary focus anyway with their obsessions. Well, overall, these people had higher levels of distressed and like, distorted 


    [00:05:00] beliefs or feeling like they were in the wrong relationship or they were negatively viewing their relationship. They had higher levels of distress around that compared to people who just simply identified having with OCD.  You may be feeling this way too, where you find yourself You're worrying about a terrible situation and your nightmare of a situation is imagining that you are stuck forever or trapped in an unsatisfying, distressing relationship yet at the same time you're afraid of being alone. And you're not worried about the immediate. Aftermath of breaking up, but it's the long term worry of being alone forever versus being unhappy with your partner for forever. So it's, you know, the way this reads, it almost sounds like 


    [00:06:00] there are a lot of people struggling with two worst case scenarios of like, Either I'm going to be alone forever or I'm going to be stuck in an unsatisfying relationship forever. So let's talk about the differences between a typical relationship worry and an obsessional relationship worry. So as you've likely heard me say before, we all experience doubt. And when we have doubt, we tend to try to answer it. We get it through information. And when we ask information, when it's a normal worry, typically we will only ask that question one time, or we will ask that question to only gain new evidence or new information. And once we receive that information, we feel satisfied. We feel like, Oh, okay, got the answer I need and move 


    [00:07:00] on. Or maybe we're not even that conscious about the answers and information we're getting. So what's really interesting is that someone who is looking for information, they actually ask questions that are answerable. You know, like they're not doing a what if question that could go on forever or be so open ended or unanswerable.

    So to further make a point here, with an information seeker, when they ask a question once, they may ask themselves something like, am I in a healthy relationship? Like, that's valid, but they only ask it once, right? And they reflect on their partner's behaviors, um, components of the relationship without asking the same question.


    [00:08:00] Whereas someone with relationship OCD they're saying are you sure you love me? And they'll ask it over and over and over again, even if they get the same answer each time, they keep seeking validation, yet never feel satisfied. Then we've got, you know, that curve. information seeker who is wanting to be informed. So they might ask a question like what are the signs of a healthy loving relationship? Because what they're asking is to better understand relationship dynamics and healthy relationship patterns. So they are gathering information to kind of get a gauge of what a healthy relationship may look like. Someone with relationship OCD is only asking questions to feel less anxious. So you see the difference there? In the previous example, , the person is 

    [00:09:00] asking questions in order to be informed. But here the person is asking only to feel less anxious. So for example, they may ask a question like, do you think we're a good match? So see, they're not evaluating. dynamics of a healthy relationship. They're wanting to feel less anxious about the relationship compatibility. And they're only asking this to relieve their own worry and anxiety. Yet, even after you get the answer, you feel uneasy. And so you ask it again later, or you ask it again anyway. And as I was saying earlier, you may be that information seeker or reassurance seeker. So really you can show up in either category and maybe depending upon the day because I hear so often people have good weeks and bad weeks. So if it's a good week, you're probably not asking for a lot of reassurance. But if it's a bad week, you know 


    [00:10:00] what that looks like. So here's more examples. When you're asking questions, in order to hear a qualified answer. When you're that information seeker, you are asking questions in order to get an answer and you're willing to accept the answer. I mean, how many times have you given an answer to someone and they don't accept it? Like, how frustrating is that? So here's an example. If you were to ask, do you think we're compatible Your partner answers, yeah, I think so. I think we're a great match.

    You accept it and you move on. You don't need further reassurance because you already feel at ease with this answer. And here again, someone with relationship OCD, they may accept it at first when they hear the answer of like, yes, I love you. We're a great match. But they still feel and experience 


    [00:11:00] the doubt in their mind, and it's hard to convince your mind to stop worrying about are we compatible, unless you have the right strategies, which you would learn in my program. And so when you continue to have that doubt, you're going to continue to ask reassurance. And that's what's really cool about the program is that you start to learn how to really challenge the doubt To create a resolve around the doubt.

     

    [00:12:00] So anyway, all right next example here in what's normal versus obsessional or let's say like what's Informational versus obsessional because I don't like the word normal So, I really want to encourage you guys that whatever is typical and works for you, then that works for you. I don't really like to go off normal. So, alright, if you're the information seeker, you are asking 


    [00:13:00] people who are qualified to answer the question., You're not going to your friends to get their advice while they may be very well qualified, but they're not the ones in the relationship with you. I find that to be true of this question. Like, you're asking people who are directly involved. And in this situation with relationship OCD, you would be asking your partner. But another thing, too, like when you're asking people who are qualified to answer, like you're not just going to Dr. Google on the internet, like you're actually asking a relationship expert. So if you're the information seeker, you may ask, what are some tips for building a strong relationship? Right? Valid question. And you're asking that question to a qualified person. And with that question of what are tips for building a strong relationship, like you're actually looking for actionable 


    [00:14:00] items, you're not getting reassurance. Because that reassurance seeker may do the very same thing and go to a therapist, yet their question is going to sound different. Their question is going to sound like, do you think we're right for each other?

    And that's where therapists who aren't trained in OCD or aren't aware of relationship anxiety may accidentally give you reassurance. And that is only going to feed the monster.


    Next, we've got For the information seeker, they want the truth. And whatever the truth is, it is what it is, right? So they may ask, what makes a relationship successful in the long run? So they're asking for facts and insights and tips based on evidence from an expert. So that they can better understand how a relationship can thrive.


    [00:15:00] Someone with relationship OCD, however, they are asking questions to get their desired answer. OMG, right? Like how many times have you done that where you're asking a question to try to lead in to the answer you want. And so that person who's the reassurance seeker, the question could sound like this. Are you absolutely sure we're meant to be together? And obviously they're looking for the answer. Yeah, we're meant to be together because they want that reassurance to confirm their desire for certainty and guarantee. Even though we all know that relationships are complicated and have a lot of moving parts to make a relationship healthy and successful in the long run.

    All right, two more sample scenarios here to help you get a understanding 


    [00:16:00] of information seeking versus reassurance seeking when it comes to relationship OCD. So the information seeker, they will accept answers that sound legitimate, qualified, or Relative or even uncertain answers at times. So it's like there's some flexibility or adaptability in just their approach to even asking the question. So, I mean, they could ask something like, do you think I'll always feel this way about my partner? And then probably after a brief conversation and reflection, it's that they know that there's some uncertainty. And they can accept that and can be okay with that. And if you're a reassurance seeker, you're on the other side of the fence going, how, how are you okay with that? Tell me your secret.

    Because that reassurance seeker is on the other side of the fence saying, well, are you a hundred percent sure you'll never leave me? 

    [00:17:00]  And they are demanding of an answer and a guaranteed permanence. Even though no one can offer one, a 100 percent guarantee on a relationship, well, on the certainty of a relationship. And yes, I know, even with all the promises and things, it can be challenging to accept uncertainty, which is exactly why I created my program to help you ladies through that uncertainty and embrace true fulfillment with the love of your life. And the last example here, the person who is the information seeker, They pursue information and questions and answers only out of necessity to make a decision or they only look for information that is necessary to form a conclusion.

    So let me tell you the example here. 


    [00:18:00] It could come in the form of a question like, do I feel fulfilled emotionally in this relationship? So they're only looking for specific information to assess their feelings, and they'll move forward with a thoughtful decision. So see, they're only asking the question in order to draw a conclusion. And then they move on. The reassurance seeker, not so much. And so here comes a what if question, which you may experience a lot of these. And so it could sound like, what if I'm still not sure about my feelings for my partner? Like, what if I'm not sure that I'll still love them forever?

    What if I'm not sure that I'll still be sexually attracted to them ten years down the road? And so you will continually ask these questions without ever feeling fully resolved. And 


    [00:19:00] you can easily find yourself staying stuck in a cycle of doubt and uncertainty. And it is highly uncomfortable. So uncomfortable in fact that going back to that research study I was referencing earlier, people with relationship OCD have higher amounts of depression. And, again, people with relationship OCD have just as much, if not more, stress than their counterparts who also have OCD, but they don't have the relationship theme. So in this program, we are getting clear on helping you gain those tips and strategies for you to create peace, presence and true connection in your relationship. Check out the show notes for the relationship anxiety quiz so you can get started in understanding. 


    [00:20:00] Do I have relationship anxiety? Are my worries unreasonable?

    And I'm going to be continuing the conversation about relationship OCD. So come back next week where we're going to be talking about That deep feeling about your self worth, where you may be questioning, am I good enough? It's going to be a whole conversation about mindset and our mindset is so important to all the things that we do. And I feel like this episode will be really special for you guys, especially going into the new year.

    So you can have. A healthier mindset to build your self worth, not only for you, but also to help you invest in that relationship with your true love. Thanks for being here and I'll see you back next week. [00:21:00] 

  • ✨Content is proudly sponsored by NOCD. Go to NOCD.com/savageto get evidence-based treatment from US locations & abroad!

    ✨Check out my new program Obsess Less, Love More. Starts January 2025. Click Here: Obsess Less, Love More

    ➡️If you're located inNorth Carolinaor Virginia, Book Your Consult with Erin to schedule your free 15-minute video call. 🎥 Erin is now accepting new clients for an intensive outpatient program!

    ➡️Love the podcast? Awesome!Treat Erin to a coffee! ☕️

    ➡️Want more? 👏

    ➡️Handpicked rec's for you:

    • Thrizer simplifies your insurance benefits for out-of-network care.

    • Descript offers powerful tools for editing audio & video, making it easy to polish your podcast.

    • Needing passive income? Open a high-yield savings account with SoFi& get $25 for opening an account with my link! 💸

    *These are affiliate links, which means I may get a kickback (at no additional cost to you) if you purchase after clicking.

    ➡️Please rate the show with five stars, & select "Write a Review" to let others know what you loved most about the episode! ✍️ When you leave that raving review, shoot me a message to get your special bonus! 🎉

Audio editing by Juliana Pedri LLC

Erin Davis

I help women in North Carolina and Virginia break free from the grip of OCD to find lasting peace and balance. As a therapist specializing in obsessive-compulsive disorder, I understand how the distress from unwanted thoughts can spiral into overwhelming anxiety and even panic attacks. My compassionate, personalized approach empowers you to regain control using proven strategies so you feel more confident and in control. Together, we’ll work toward the calm, empowered life you deserve.

https://valuedriventherapy.com
Next

It Feels Like My Partner Doesn’t Trust Me