Addressing Your Inner Critic: A Path to Self-Compassion
Let's get to the roots of your inner critic and challenge it with self-compassion. Discover the connection between OCD, PTSD, and self-disgust.
Hear how to nurture other parts of yourself while acknowledging your protective mechanisms. Practice observing your inner critic, creating distance from it, and embracing mindfulness to shift towards a kinder mindset.
Remember, self-compassion is not about ignoring your inner critic, but about treating yourself with empathy and kindness. Start small with acts of self-care, change your self-talk, and gradually invite in a positive mindset. For more mindfulness strategies, check out my Soul Sync Mindfulness Podcast. Hang around til the end for a sneak peek!
You deserve kindness and care from yourself.
00:00 Introduction to OCD Awareness
00:30 Understanding the Inner Critic
02:00 Exploring the Link Between OCD and PTSD
05:14 The Role of Self-Compassion in Healing
06:25 Parts Work Theory and OCD
09:29 Practical Steps to Self-Compassion
15:17 Mindfulness and Neutral Self-Talk
20:52 Promoting Self-Compassion and Mindfulness Resources
22:03 Guided Mindfulness Exercise
25:40 Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Self-compassion episode transcript:
After you struggle with that inner critic, your self-talk is like a constant monologue of silently judging you in the background. Your inner critic is very negative and it beats you up day in and day out where you're in a place of learned helplessness and terrible anxiety. All of the pain from your inner child comes out immediately in the moment when you start to direct empathy towards yourself. In this episode of self-compassion, we're going to take a deeper look at what your inner critic is doing, how we can flip that inner critic upside down and help you build a better sense of self. In today's episode, we're going to take a deeper look at where this inner critic is coming from, how we can boss back to it, as well as bring you to a place where you can change the game. We're going to introduce those ideas about how you can slowly shift in thinking about yourself in new ways to invite in self-compassion. According to a research study that was published in the National Library of Medicine, there is a lot of overlap between obsessive-compulsive disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder. In this study, it was explaining how when someone experiences trauma, there are those moments of flashbacks and sometimes those flashbacks can be very persistent and happen often. Sometimes there can be that overlap there between OCD and PTSD, but those two diagnoses are very, very different. In this study, the researchers observed how when PTS symptoms go down, OCD symptoms go up and then as OCD symptoms are treated, PTSD comes back. It's like there's this flip-flop going on between the symptoms and likely the things you're thinking about. In the research study, the researchers are suggesting that OCD symptoms are a way to cope with or avoid the trauma-related symptoms and memories, which is pretty interesting because I could see where obsessively focusing on hand-washing is a lot more pleasant than thinking about how you were abused as a child. One similarity that they found between those suffering with both OCD and PTSD is that these participants all shared this same experience of disgust. With that feeling of disgust, these participants had experienced traumatic victimization and those feelings of disgust kind of translated into like a contamination form of OCD. With all of this being said, whenever you have experienced trauma or you are in the thick of an OCD episode, it can be very hard to invite in self-compassion. And a common question that I get is, where does OCD come from? Why do I have OCD now? And the research is mixed. And even reading this research article, it just shows how complex OCD can be. And so it's really hard, like you can't put your finger on one thing for OCD. Make OCD worse? Totally can. And I will have an episode coming out next week about EMDR is Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. This is a specialized approach when dealing with PTSD. So come back next week to hear more about that technique and what that's all about when you are also suffering from PTSD. With OCD and PTSD, both can be treated with exposure therapies. And ultimately with these exposure therapies, what you're learning, and this is something that ties into the self-compassion piece, is you are learning the self-soothing, the calming techniques, and changing that relationship that you have with that intense feeling of disgust or that intense feeling of anxiety or shame or embarrassment or whatever your inner critic is cooking up. Typically our self-talk is developed by the age of 8. Typically our self-talk is fully developed by the age of 8. And with your self-talk, or if you want to call it an inner dialogue, it is very important in how we show up in the world because we tend to reflect in our behaviors how we feel on the inside. Now, I want to make a clear distinction here that your OCD monster is very, very, very different from your inner critic. So as you're listening to today's episode, I want you to start to think about how you have different parts of yourself. You may have gone to a therapist before who has introduced this idea of parts work, and this parts work theory was developed by Richard Schwartz, who is the creator of Internal Family Systems Therapy Model. And he is suggesting that we have many sub-minds interacting with one another. So it's almost like you can imagine you have, it reminds me of the movies where you have an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other shoulder, but let's expand it to having even more parts of you. You are more than your trauma. You are more than your OCD. You have probably noticed different voices in your head saying like, you've got this. And then the other voice is like, oh my gosh, you're terrible at this. Don't do that. Right? Like we can all relate to those experiences of confidence and self-doubt and in working with those different parts of yourself. What are you noticing? Are you, how many parts are you noticing? Are you noticing a fun loving part? Are you noticing a nurturing part or someone who likes to relax and is okay with that? Is there a part that is trying to protect you? So in understanding your relationship with those parts of yourself, let's look at it through the lens of OCD. Your OCD is trying to protect you from that feared outcome. So let's say you're worried about your baby getting sick from dirty baby bottles. Okay? So there's that part of you that is a mother. There's a part of you that loves your child. There's a part of you that wants to protect your child. Then there's that part of you that has a fear of germs and that part of you that has a fear of germs. It's taking center stage. So with the other parts of yourself, how can you bring them closer to front and center? How can they interact and talk to that fear of germs and ask it like, are you satisfied in the work that you, in the work that you're doing? Or would you prefer to do something else? How is that part of you that has a fear of germs helping you in your relationship with your child? How is it helping you in your marriage or how is it helping you do the things you need to do at your job? Because the fear is taking over and distracting you from the other important things that you want to do or the other things that you value. And it's not saying that you value your job or, or anything else surface level over your child, but we want to honor those other parts of you and nurture those other parts. And that's where a self-compassion comes in. And what's great about the parts work is that you can create that separation. So it's if you are giving self-compassion to a friend, AKA another piece of you versus it being solely about you. Most of the time, most of the time people are more comfortable giving compassion to a part of themselves. So we can slowly build up over time in practicing that compassion. In defining self-compassion, you know, it can feel really complicated when you haven't experienced any kindness towards yourself, but that's essentially what self-compassion is. It's the act and practice of being kind to yourself and bringing empathy or understanding toward yourself when you mess up. So instead of flooding yourself with self-criticism, you're going to take a pause, you're going to show patience. And my favorite is that you learn from the experience. So instead of beating yourself up, what would be an example, especially when it comes to OCD? All right. So like in the, in an example of your baby getting sick from a dirty baby bottle, your inner critic is telling you, oh, you should wash those bottles better because what if your baby got sick, then it's all your fault. Like that's a very critical thing. Or right, let's say you run the baby bottle through the dishwasher, you know, you've got, I remember having those dishwasher boxes that you could put all of those little parts. Oh my goodness. There were so many parts. And I was volunteering at this pregnancy center and I was like, y'all need to have this in your supply closet because these moms will really love these baskets. My gosh, what was that basket called? Okay. Yeah. I mean, it's just those like, it's the munchkin dishwasher baskets. And I remember the lady saying, oh, nobody would buy that. And I was like, oh, I'm pretty sure they would. And let me tell you, those things flew off the shelves. They could not keep them stocked. And I was like, yeah, uh, everybody loves to throw things in the dishwasher, but don't you know, there have been times that you run that dishwasher basket through the wash and like some kind of seasoning, like from that spaghetti noodle pasta, like splashed up into the baby bottle and it got stuck there. Okay. So your inner critic is like, girl, you should have washed that baby bottle better. You should have pre-rinsed all of those dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. So then we could have ensured that they were very clean, you know, like it can go on and on. And that's what OCD does. It criticizes you for not doing better when guess what? You're already doing a great job. It's hard for you to believe it, but is it serving you to entertain that inner critic, to allow that negative criticism into the spotlight? Like for example, when you were growing up and you were in school, did it ever motivate you to get better grades when your teacher yelled at you and told you that you were a horrible student and you should have studied better? Yeah, likely not. I don't know anybody that is motivated by that. So why in the world would you be motivated by criticizing yourself? And in this example of motherhood, being a mom is already hard enough, and your inner critic is only making it that much harder. So with the negative self-talk, is it helping you heal? Does it help you bring compassion to your fear or your shame or that disgust? And if you have experienced abuse or trauma, abuse can destroy your sense of self. That doesn't mean even if your sense of self is destroyed, it doesn't mean you can't build it back up. You are resilient. The best place to start is to validate the abuse that you went through and how much of a survivor you are. Look at how strong you are to go through what you've been through and looking at where you are today. So in making that shift from your inner critic, we can acknowledge that your inner critic is there. We can observe what they're doing and what they're saying. And can you take a step back from it? Can you start to create that separation and acknowledge, okay, inner critic, you exist and I don't have to listen to you. I know you're thinking, Erin, easier said than done. And it's a process, kind of like the process of mindfulness. In mindfulness, we are practicing being neutral and nonjudgmental. We are observing. We are working towards being resilient from our thoughts and being mindfully aware of those thoughts without being overly impacted by them. Because even if you think it, it doesn't mean it's true. And even if you feel it, it doesn't mean it's dangerous. Or in this case, it doesn't mean you are unworthy or you are disgusting or you are fill in the blank. And so there are oftentimes I get asked by my patients or I'm told by my patients of like, I'm not a very optimistic person. In fact, I think being super positive is very cheesy. And so let me challenge that for a second. We are not here to fluff things or sweep things under the rug or enable bad behavior. But we are shifting to a place of at least being neutral, at least talking to yourself in a healthy way. And so we can notice the inner critic, but shift our attention to other things that serve you. And those other things that serve you might be getting in the floor and playing with your baby or taking your baby for a stroll or going outside and listening to the birds. Maybe it's taking a bubble bath or doing a simple skincare routine that feels very nice. Like there's this one skincare company out in Asheville, I really love their products. It's called C&C company. I love their lavender lotion and like so just having that lavender lotion or their lavender bath scrub. Oh my gosh, so very nice. And they've got another, um, gosh, what is that spray stuff? toner. Yeah, they've got a toner spray that has like this orange scent to it and it's just so refreshing. So anyway, maybe for you it could look like wearing your favorite clothes or wearing a color that helps brighten your mood. And even though that may seem shallow, whenever you're starting something new, start small. Start simple and see how those simple small steps lead you in transforming to a place of self-compassion where you can be kind to those other parts of yourself. So see, we're not completely ignoring the inner critic, but we're just not giving it as much stage time. And so you're going to learn how to nurture yourself slowly and gently over time and you can notice those more challenging and difficult feelings without getting overly attached to them. Another starting point is if you are very critical of other people, like maybe you're that gossiper or you do a lot of comparison-itis, you know what I mean? Like you are comparing yourself to other people, take a step back and practice being less judgmental of others and practice more compassion towards them. Because when you start practicing compassion towards other people, it invites in just that pattern of thinking where you can start to apply it towards that part of yourself and eventually to your whole self. And you will come to realize that beating yourself up and allowing your inner critic to take full reign, it has to stop because it's counterproductive to your healing and to your growth as a person and to the relationships you have in your life. Because if you are that mom, would you want your daughter or your son thinking to themselves the way you talk to you? No, likely not. All right, a few other examples I want to leave you with. Whenever you're thinking about your inner self, remember that you live in there. So be nice, be kind, be kind to the you that lives in your mind and body. And if you are that type of person who uses a lot of shoulds in your self-talk, like I should do this, I should have done that, the shoulder is full. Yes, should does not bring any helpful feelings. If anything, it brings on more guilt and shame and disgust. So y'all, the shoulder is full. And let's change it to, I would like to, I want to, or I will, and or step away from the idea of what you should do. Nah, scratch that. Change the self-talk to the, I will, I want, I would like to. And see how that fits. Try that on for a while because the shoulder is overflowing with shoulds. No more, please. If you're looking for further support and more guidance on that self-compassion piece, go to my website at valuedriventherapy.com slash shop and purchase the Soul Sync Mindfulness Podcast. With Soul Sync, you're going to learn the mindfulness practices in very practical ways. A lot of times, people feel like mindfulness doesn't work for them, or they don't know how to do it, or they don't have time for it. So in my Soul Sync Podcast series, you're going to hear some step-by-step strategies on how to apply mindfulness, how to start practicing it, and how to use it in your day-to-day living. So in talking today about being neutral towards yourself and you're thinking like, uh, I'm not really sure how to do that, go buy my Soul Sync Private Podcast, what is it, package. Yeah, go buy my Soul Sync Private Podcast package because with that package, you are going to get access to the Soul Sync episodes for one whole year. And right now, I'm selling that package at a discounted price, and Soul Sync is scheduled to launch on July 1st. So after July 1st, the price will go up for that one-year subscription, and this is a members-only podcast. All right, and come back next week to hear the conversation about EMDR and how to get further support if you're struggling with PTSD. Take care, y'all.
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