What If They Leave? Managing Fear of Abandonment
In this episode, therapist and relationship coach Erin Davis explores the fear of abandonment and its impact on relationships, particularly focusing on Relationship OCD (ROCD). Erin discusses common signs of abandonment issues, such as clinginess and constant reassurance-seeking, and addresses how these behaviors can be harmful. She introduces strategies to overcome these issues, such as building emotional independence through hobbies and friendships.
Erin also provides information about her 'Obsessed Less, Love More' program to support individuals dealing with ROCD. Listeners are encouraged to visit her website for resources and support and to tune in for the next episode on knowing when it's time to break up.
00:00 Introduction: Understanding Abandonment Issues
00:59 Common Signs of Abandonment Issues
01:40 Relationship OCD and Its Impact
06:12 Strategies to Overcome ROCD
08:28 Building Emotional Independence
09:59 Conclusion and Next Steps
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Erin H. Davis: [00:00:00] Are you in a committed relationship and worried about your boyfriend leaving? You're not alone in worrying about abandonment issues. The fear of your boyfriend breaking up with you, your partner walking out on you, or your husband wanting a divorce is all rooted in the fear of abandonment. And if you find yourself worrying about these things, today's episode is for you.
I'm going to be talking about all things abandonment issues and OCD. If you're new to my channel or new to the show, Welcome. I'm Erin Davis. I'm a trained therapist and relationship coach, helping women get untangled from doubt and step into a place of living confidently and fully embracing the life they want to live because you don't deserve to be held back by your fears.
All right. So with abandonment issues, we've all heard about them, right? So in today's episode, I'm going to be talking about what abandonment issues are, how they show up. And how they impact your relationships. As we know, abandonment issues can impact any relationship. So let's start out with some common signs.
Common signs include being extremely clingy. You could be moving way too fast in a relationship. It's the constant fear of them leaving. You are almost calling them out on leaving when it's not even a thought in their mind. That's part of like a disorganized attachment style, which I would love to get into attachment styles in another episode.
So if that sounds like you and you would love to hear about attachment styles, drop it in the comments on my YouTube channel and let me know what you want to hear. When it comes to abandonment issues and really defining that and bringing some clarity around it, if you, a constant worry about your partner leaving.
This could be a sign of relationship OCD. And that's why I really love doing this content in this podcast because OCD can be very sneaky and OCD is not always your stereotypical organizing and cleaning. No, it can totally show up in your relationships where you're constantly worrying about your boyfriend breaking up with you, even though there's no evidence to suggest that they want to break up with you.
You're Repeatedly questioning your own worthiness or you are overanalyzing your partner's words, actions, behaviors, their tone to see if there's some sign of disinterest. I think this also shows up in you overanalyzing your own level of commitment in the relationship and the. Behaviors that you will sometimes find yourself doing sounds like seeking reassurance from your partner about the stability of the relationship or monitoring or controlling behaviors where you're doing excessive texting, you are checking your partner's social media, or you're needing constant updates about their whereabouts.
You could also Also, find yourself being overly accommodating to your partner because you're trying to prevent conflict. Yeah, sound familiar? You could also be avoiding conflict because you don't want any trouble in paradise and any sign of trouble really intensifies your fear that they are going to leave.
Some emotional signs in abandonment and is intense feelings of anxiety and stress. It's like, you know, that pit in your stomach you get when you feel like something bad is going to happen. And it all almost sends you into a panic attack, if not a literal panic attack, because you cannot stand even perceived signs of rejection.
The other emotional symptoms that you're going through is you have difficulty enjoying the relationship due to the fact of the constant fear you have that this relationship is going to end. You know, I hear so often people say, Well, I don't want to get my hopes up. And so they completely robbed themselves of a fulfilling, happy relationship or marriage because already have it as a doom and gloom in their mind.
Now, mentally it, it can be torture, right? Because you are catastrophizing every minor detail. Conflict. As a sign that they don't love you, they're gonna leave you, in this mental torture of doubting your partner's love for you, even when you're reassured that they love you, or maybe you have like a good day, like they did something unexpected and texted you, hey babe, love you, and like, that fills your cup for the day, but then with OCD and those intrusive thoughts, they come roaring right back.
I'm so passionate about OCD, I can't stand How it ruins such beautiful relationships and the potential of beautiful relationships. Imagine a world where you didn't have these thoughts and these feelings and these worries. Abandonment issues can be very complicated in people with relationship OCD and I'll shorten it and call it ROCD.
Okay. So ROCD often revolves around the need for certainty and perfection in relationships. And so it can really stem out. If we have this fear of abandonment, then it's like, well, we can't make any mistakes. Uh, being alone [00:05:00] is the most terrible thing in the world because that's the ultimate rejection. You feel unloved.
You feel unworthy. I'm here to tell you it can all change and there is a way through. Go to my website at livebeyonddoubt. com. I've got special pricing right now for those early birds that want to jump in on the group coaching program. It's called Obsess Less, Love More, because that's what it's all about, y'all.
Like we are here to help you get self awareness, to get self compassion, to feel confident and to feel free from this bull crap. I mean, just in being real, right? And what I love about this program is like, there are going to be some long term benefits, not only in your relationship, like your romantic relationship.
But you're going to form a community. This is going to be a community of people who have been through the program, who know their stuff, who are interested in the same goals as you, and you can help keep each other accountable, remind each other of strategies. And I've got big plans, big dreams. For this community, and I want you to be the first ones on the ground to help see it all the way.
So again, go to livebeyonddoubt. com to grab the special pricing today on the Obsessed Less Love More program. Okay, so let's start to talk about those strategies to help you in overcoming ROCD because we are gonna be a boss. Right? We are going to boss up to this crap. So the key takeaway in understanding the fear of abandonment, it stems from obsessions.
Obsessions are those intrusive thoughts, those unwanted thoughts that then lead to behaviors that are compulsive, meaning you're doing things to try to help yourself feel better. And those compulsive behaviors typically look like reassurance or overanalyzing and it creates this whole vicious cycle. So.
With the impact of abandonment, you know, divorce stats have actually gone down over the years, thankfully. Um, but currently in the U. S., 44. 6 percent of marriages end in divorce. And interestingly, 70 percent of these divorces are initiated by women. So with these stats, it shows Why tools like my Obsessed Less Love More program is essential because we're going to address the doubts, the fears, and all the things that sabotage your relationship.
Fear often magnifies small issues, like a delayed text, into major concerns. These what if questions can become a relentless loop of like, what if they leave? What if I'm not enough for them to stay? So let's talk about breaking the cycle to break the cycle of the fear of abandonment. You need to first acknowledge the fear and recognize its validity.
So recognize it exists and that this could happen. Okay, then let's zoom out from that and look for evidence. Meaning, kind of like in a court case, you can't prove anything without evidence. So we're gonna do the same thing for these fears and obsessions. Is there any actual evidence that your partner wants to leave?
Often the answer is no. So when you feel the urge to seek reassurance, I encourage you to pause and ask yourself, am I asking this? To connect, or is it just to ease my anxiety? If it's just to ease your anxiety, I then challenge you to delay, skip, or decrease asking these questions so that you can strengthen your relationship in the long run.
And before we close, I'm going to give you one more strategy. One of the most powerful strategies to combat fears of abandonment is to build emotional independence. This means creating a life that isn't entirely dependent on your partner. It doesn't mean avoiding connection altogether. Okay. Because I think, you know, in our society, we really push independence, but when you think about it, like pursue independence at 110%, we're going to be lonely.
So it's not being so independent that you're by yourself, but it's creating this. It's healthy, emotional independence, where you're not fully reliant on your partner for your emotional need. So some of those action steps looks like developing hobbies and friendships outside of your relationship. And honestly, because we're all human, it's important for you to recognize.
That your partner is not going to meet all of your emotional needs and that's okay. So as difficult as it may feel to do a hobby or to have friendships outside of your relationship, I encourage you to start small. Start with something that feels right. You will be successful in like maybe going out to get coffee with a friend.
Okay. So it's not like a full on shopping day or anything extravagant. Like just go get coffee with a girlfriend. All right. Because all in all, you need to be successful in these strategies and start to break out of this obsessive loop. Okay. It is a cycle and it sucks. I mean, in just being real, but the good news is you can break free from it.
And if you [00:10:00] want more support in that, go to my website at livebeyonddoubt. com to apply for the obsessed, less, love more program. And you can get my support and the support of peers. Who are in the same boat and this support is going to be invaluable to you with the obsessed less love more program. It's a 12 week program where we're going to meet every Wednesday night for 90 minutes to help walk you through these strategies and really Implement them effectively if this episode resonated with you You can also download my 10 signs of relationship ocd checklist link is in the show notes Or you can also grab it at the livebeyonddoubt.
com website. Next week, I'm going to bring you an episode about when it's time to break up. This is a must listen episode. If you're navigating relationship doubts and remember you are not defined by your doubts or your fears, peace and clarity in your relationships are possible. If you found this episode helpful, please rate and review the podcast and share it with someone who might need to hear it.
Thanks for joining me on this journey. Take care and I'll see you next time.
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*This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical or mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.
