How Do You Know You Found The One?
Relationship OCD Episode 3
Have you heard of the story with the frog and boiling water? If you put a frog in boiling water that is already hot and bubbling, the frog will jump out. But if you put a frog in a pot of water at room temperature and gradually build the boil, the frog does not jump out and will eventually die. This makes sense even with OCD because we don’t automatically fall for these extreme beliefs that our OCD tries to trick us into believing. But we can slowly fall into the traps and giving in more and more until we’re overwhelmed.
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ROCD Part 3
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We're partnering with NoCD to raise awareness about OCD. OCD is more than what you see on TV and in the movies. Imagine having unwanted thoughts about your relationship stuck in your head all day, no matter how hard you try to make them go away. That's Relationship OCD. It comes with unrelenting intrusive images, thoughts, and urges about your partner or loved one.
Breaking the OCD cycle takes effective treatment. Go to N O C D dot com to get evidence based treatment.
Welcome back to another episode of bossing up overcoming OCD. Today I'm going to be talking more about relationship OCD and helping you navigate those thoughts and those what ifs of what if I haven't found the one, what if I never find the one or what if I Can't fall in love again. There are all sorts of what if questions that come up with [00:01:00] O-C-D-O-C-D likes you to doubt. And I'm here today to help you boss up.
Hi, I'm Erin, licensed clinical mental health counselor and OCD specialist. I'm also a Christian, wife, mom to three, and small business owner, helping those who are overwhelmed by stress to climb out of that valley and enjoy the view. Reheat your coffee and pop in your AirPods to learn how to boss up to OCD.
All right. How was everyone's feelings with the Super Bowl? Oh my goodness. And there's such a love story going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, which is. You know a lot of different opinions are circling the internet about that, love is sweet. So yeah, and it's interesting how we're all drawn to love and I remember at a very young age when I was listening to country music, taylor swift first started in country music, but in listening to country music There were a lot of love songs.
Almost every [00:02:00] single song was about love and it was just very Captivating to think about, huh, a lot of these singers are very wrapped up in their love life. And so they're very focused on being in love with someone or breaking up with someone. And yeah, there's a really funny meme going on the internet now with Travis Kelsey yelling at Andy Reed, the Kansas city head coach and.
The meme says, you better play me in the game or Taylor's gonna break up with me and make a song about it. I just, it's too good. But anyway. Yeah, so with love, and one of the other popular beliefs that comes up with love is about the five love languages. Which was developed by Dr. Gary Chapman.
And Dr. Gary Chapman is a Christian. Now, his love languages. are universal and it doesn't have to apply just to Christian households. We're all human, we all experience love. [00:03:00] And with those love languages, I think it's a nice reminder of how we all can give love a certain way and receive love a certain way.
And oftentimes when I'm working with people with OCD, there's a lot of worries and concerns like, does my partner love me? Do I love my partner? And, let's just take a step back from those things and just look at the basics of giving and receiving love. And first of all, giving love to other people can very much be a great way to, boost your mood and
bring you closer to your partner.
, so with those five love languages, and I'm going to put a link in the show notes To link out to the book on Amazon if you are interested in purchasing that. The first one is words of affirmation, and that's where your partner is giving you those compliments, showing appreciation for the things that you're doing, giving you gratitude, and those words [00:04:00] can really boost your self esteem if that's what it is.
Your deal.
All right. Other examples of words of affirmation might be getting text messages or sending videos with those positive words of encouragement.
But what's really nice is whenever your partner might. text you and say, hope you have a great day or thinking about you, love you, all those sweet and endearing things. The second love language are those acts of service. And this is a great one. If maybe you're on a budget, you're not maybe the gift giving type because those acts of service can go a long way and you don't have to necessarily spend money in order to do you just got to spend your energy. And this may look like doing the dishes or cleaning your spouse's car, which is one of the things I did recently for my husband and he just loved it. He loved having his truck cleaned and detailed. So happy Valentine's Day, babe. Then. Some other acts [00:05:00] of service, what's also nice is whenever your spouse turns on the car in the mornings, whenever it's like cold and chilly outside and they turn it on so that whenever you get in the car, it's warm.
Like that one's amazing. Other acts of service, man if you could just take care of the laundry, that would be fantastic. Really don't like folding clothes. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Number three is gifts. And not everyone is materialistic, or not everyone is necessarily materialistic, but giving gifts can help them feel special.
It may not necessarily be a monetary thing or materialistic thing, but it's the thought that counts, right? And so with that gift, maybe it's a small package, maybe it's got stickers, or maybe you've got a kid getting ready to Oh, maybe you've got a kid getting ready to drive. And so not only are you maybe looking at giving them some money for their car, maybe you're going to give them a [00:06:00] customized license plate.
That's always fun. Or you're going to give them a special key chain, something to make it special.
Other gift ideas. It's maybe you're going to grab groceries for your family and then cook a special dinner for them. So you're giving them a gift of a free meal at home and something that they would enjoy.
Other gift ideas, gift cards for coffee, gift cards for a bakery shop, All nice things. Number four, love language is quality time. And this is when you can give your undivided dedicated attention to your partner. And if you think about time in the same sense of money, for someone who enjoys quality time, this is how you can invest in them.
You are giving your Time and attention to them, and they will just eat it up.
And so it could really mean a lot to your partner if you make intentional efforts to spend time with them. That may look like no [00:07:00] phones, no distractions, just the two of you. Maybe it's a date night at home or date night out and about, but You're fully focused on each other. The fifth love language, is physical touch.
And with physical touch, we're human, right? And it reminds me of Harlow's monkeys. And that is a psychological experiment where, which they couldn't do that. Experiment these days with, animal rights and everything. But with Harlow's monkeys, they discovered that even monkeys are drawn to attachment figures.
that offer them that physical touch. And so the scenario with that was they had two mother, quote unquote, mother monkeys. One was a wire monkey that just fed the baby monkey, the milk and water gave it food, right? And then the other monkey was just like a stuffed animal monkey, but it, furry. cozy [00:08:00] feeling, right?
Every time baby monkey got scared, it went to the fuzzy snuggly monkey, mother monkey. And that's fascinating, right? Just shows that we're very social creatures and we're drawn to that physical connection. And so , I think that really played a huge role in our COVID quarantine pandemic. Like we really need people and to be around people in order to thrive and flourish and.
That Harlow's monkey thing is just very interesting because the one monkey literally kept it alive with the food and water. But yet, every time it got scared, it went to the snuggly, cuddly, fuzzy monkey. So yeah, so definitely something to be said with the physical touch and the physical touch, that's holding hands, hugs, kisses, et cetera.
You know what I mean. And so with your love languages, it's worthwhile to explore this between you and your partner because oftentimes we offer, operate from a place of thinking about what would [00:09:00] I want versus really stepping out and thinking what would they want. And that takes some learning and adjusting. And so anyway, besides the love languages, when you're thinking about Have I found the one it also puts in perspective of there are a lot of marriage myths out there and we don't need to fall for those myths, nor do we need to fall for the tricks of OCD.
. I'm just going to throw a few myths out there you and your partner should never fight. Totally a myth, because conflict is unavoidable. We all disagree from time to time.
In fact, the disagreements can be healthy.
Other myths are like the number of times you should be intimate. That all depends on your relationship and your lifestyle. Whatever works for you and whatever you and your partner like communicate about, again,
just do what [00:10:00] works best for your marriage and your relationship.
Another myth that I feel like comes up way too often is this myth that we should be happy all the time. And I'm really not sure where that comes from other than just our cultural influence And whenever you are raising your kids, do you tell them you need to be happy all the time or else like I'm a bad parent?
No, we know as parents that whenever we're disciplining our kids, it's a form of love to help shape them into fully functioning adults. Right now, and I'm talking about just the reasonable, appropriate type of discipline. Not the corporal punishment. That means spanking. That does not work. And side note, I recommend having a reward system. So if you're looking for a positive behavior change with your kids, a reward system is a good way to go.
We're partnering with NoCD to raise awareness [00:11:00] about OCD. OCD is more than what you see on TV and in the movies. Imagine having unwanted thoughts about your relationship stuck in your head all day, no matter how hard you try to make them go away. That's Relationship OCD. It comes with unrelenting, intrusive images, thoughts, and urges about your partner or loved one.
If you think you may be struggling with Relationship OCD, there's hope. NoCD offers effective, affordable, and convenient OCD therapy. NoCD therapists are trained in Exposure Response Prevention Therapy, the gold standard treatment for OCD. With NoCD, you can do virtual, Live face to face video sessions with one of their licensed specialty trained therapists.
It's affordable and they accept most major insurance plans. Breaking the relationship OCD cycle takes effective treatment. To get started with NoCD, go to nocd. com / savage.
All right. But anyway, with [00:12:00] OCD, we know that it likes to attach to those things that we value most. And OCD is that shape shifter and so it's going to change its theme depending upon really the flavor of the week like whatever your interests are or your affections are at the time. And, what's interesting too, a lot of people will say like that they'll think about going into therapy and then all of a sudden their obsession will shift and they think.
Oh I got over that one thing, so maybe I don't need to go to therapy. Really, you haven't truly gotten over that other thing. It's just your OCD shifted to a new obsession. And so until you learn to effectively deal with the obsession, OCD is going to continue to be your master.
With OCD and relationships it can attach to the idea of like, How do I know if I found the one? And I remember one of my friends way back in the day asking me, Erin, how did you know your husband was the [00:13:00] one? And at the time it was like I prayed for him, and I still feel strongly about that today.
But beyond that, really when you're thinking about the one, I mean there are probably thousands of people out there that you could be compatible with, right? But does that mean they No, not necessarily, nor should they, and again, think about relationships as if you are investing into something long term, in coming across some people with their relationship OCD, they are experiencing those feelings of what if I find someone quote unquote better.
And I really want to caution you if you're falling into that camp or category of questioning because you're putting, first of all, you're putting value on people that's not yours to do. We don't need to fall into [00:14:00] the comparison itis, right? That comparison itis of comparing your partner to someone else, because it's it reminds me of comparing your relationship to other people's relationships on social media.
Like you're just getting the highlight reel. You're not seeing the behind the scenes, the everyday. Grind that goes on for that person, for that relationship, for that family, et cetera. And anyway, sometimes people wonder if like they are settling or if they're just comfortable. And so they will perpetually bounce from relationship to relationship or they will never get married or stay committed to someone because they think that there's going to be someone else better.
But what can be the most rewarding is whenever you are sticking it out with that, with a person and really investing and being devoted, like fully devoted to building that relationship.
And of course, OCD wants [00:15:00] you to feel doubt. Okay. But really all in all, whenever you are thinking about getting married or if you are married, your long term partner. That's going to be someone who is equally and mutually committed to the relationship. And it does take self sacrifice. And that's something that you learn As you go on in a healthy marriage or a healthy relationship, because it can't be always all about you.
And that's a tough reality, especially in this very self absorbed culture we live in. Cough so anyway. Uncertainty Is to be expected in any relationship like some other questions that could come up in your Relationship ocd realm is what if our love changes when we have kids will he still love me once we have kids? Will he still love me once we move in together or once we get married like all of those kind of [00:16:00] timetable milestones in a relationship and Here's the other thing about love.
Love is not stagnant love grows and shifts and morphs and evolves. And so your love for your partner deepens and grows and you have more appreciation for your partner, the more things you go through. All right. So some tips on how to deal with your OCD when you're in a relationship is first of all, do not ask for reassurance from your partner. If you could imagine your OCD as if it were like an OCD monster and that OCD monster is telling you what to do and how to feel.
Try to separate that OCD monster out and separate and away from you and really think about your own inner values, your own inner self. And what do you think are some reasonable signs that You love your partner or reasonable signs that [00:17:00] they love you or reasonable signs that you enjoy being around them.
All right. And think about what are your reasonable expectations for the relationship? And so whenever you're thinking about what's reasonable, that can help you in determining. What are your real feelings? And more often than not, your real feelings are going to be the ones that show up consistently and don't cause you anxiety.
OCD is the one causing you anxiety and that OCD monster is what is robbing you of really enjoying the fulfillment with your partner. Because again, if you're that person who is thinking of What if I find someone better? How are you really in the present moment with your spouse, your boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever in that moment, because your mind is distracted and off and left field about something else versus really driving [00:18:00] and investing into what you have already.
Already, so don't look past the gifts that you may already have in your life and Don't be afraid of that commitment if that person is there and loving you and willing to be with you
All right, so another tip here you can play devil's advocate against your ocd so It's like you are bossing back to your OCD monster. So you're going to be maybe you're going to be talking back. Like you're that kid talking back to the parent or that authority figure. And so that's what you're going to be doing to your OCD.
So your OCD may say, Oh, if we really loved each other, then we would be holding hands every time where. Next to each other
and so the devil's advocate would be like Do we really have to hold hands in order to love each other? There's not a rule book that says you have to hold hands, which means you show love I'm sure in some cultures. It's not even [00:19:00] like a thing
Another tip is you need to tell your partner if you're struggling with OCD. So I'll put that out there and then of course, I'm always going to go to that tip of getting into therapy, finding an OCD specialist, and you can work with myself or go to the NoCD website and find your specialist that way.
Another tip or idea here, and this is, this could be part of your exposure and response prevention plan, is perhaps you go on date nights, and you are not going to discuss your relationship at all. You're just going to have fun with your partner and enjoy the date night. Or, you could go out on your date or have a conversation with your partner.
Not have any discussions that relate to your OCD, like you're not going to be cross comparing your relationship to other people. Just have fun. Be in the moment. Or then the other exposure might be, okay, we're not going to [00:20:00] hold hands the whole date just to expose you and help you see oh okay yeah my partner still asked me to go out the very next week even though we didn't hold hands during this date now again it's going to be important to communicate that or else you're going to be sending mixed signals to your partner
So in wrapping up today's episode i have some exciting news. I have created and launched my own OCD wellness workbook. And in this workbook, it has 20 pages outlining some visuals of some of the topics you've already heard me talk about, like the OCD monster. And in the workbook, it's going to be your stepping stone and that starting point to help get you That much closer to starting therapy, maybe you're one of the people who feels like you've struggled a lot on your own and you're just going to keep doing the grind.
And I don't recommend that because life can be so much better than, just getting by and [00:21:00] your OCD can go in remission. So in any case with this workbook It potentially can save you a lot of time whenever you are first getting started with an OCD specialist because in the workbook You're going to be outlining things when it comes to your OCD and it's going to give you a really good foundation to share with your OCD specialist.
So whenever you go into your session, you're like, I already know what my OCD monster looks like. I already know what my different triggers are. I know what my goals are. and really collaborate with your OCD specialists on those particular things. And the other good thing is for those of you that are interested in purchasing that wellness workbook, I'm going to give it to you at a discounted price to the first 10 people.
The regular price for the workbook is 15 and I have a link for the workbook in the show notes. But for the first 10 people, you can get it for [00:22:00] 12. 50. So pretty good little discount. And also in the workbook will be a promo code. And y'all remember that I do have the exclusive Q and A. If you want to submit questions to the show, I'm happy to answer them and give you a shout out.
We're partnering with NoCD to raise awareness about OCD. OCD is more than what you see on TV and in the movies. Imagine having unwanted thoughts about your relationship stuck in your head all day, no matter how hard you try to make them go away. That's Relationship OCD. It comes with unrelenting intrusive images, thoughts, and urges about your partner or loved one.
Breaking the OCD cycle takes effective treatment. Go to N O C D dot com to get evidence based treatment.
So next week I'm going to be talking about how to handle a loved one or a partner or family member who is dealing with [00:23:00] OCD. So if you are that mom or spouse of someone who is experiencing OCD and you don't know what to do or say, I'm here to help.
And I've got more tips and tricks and strategies to help share with you next week. So stay tuned for that.
Thank you for listening to today's episode. This information is intended to be helpful and not a substitute for professional counseling. Before you go, kindly leave me a five star review and check out the links in the show notes to see the products that can make your small business dreams happen. Take care and see you next time.
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